I woke up one morning re-visiting where I started… a social experiment to try to achieve what I assumed would be the ingredients to a fabulous life – a job I loved, a home I enjoyed and a boyfriend I adored.
My work life had become an all-consuming nightmare – work I did not believe in, nor value, I felt my contribution to the world was meaningless and the motivation to wake up in the mornings was an ever-increasing battle.
My amazing home in the amazing location I loved had become amazingly enticing to many others, and the lease had been increased to completely out of my reach.
My love life had tested my resilience and my heart had been put through the equivalent of a meat processor.
Control – I had none, in any of these situations. I knew I needed to change things and get some control back but I was weak, my health had become affected, unable to hold anything down, I was physically half the person I once was and I felt like my mind was failing me.
I felt sick.
My friends gathered and lecturing – “Don’t you dare blame yourself!”
And out of the blackness Alex the fake architect contacted me – he wanted to see me again.
Annoyed, unable to focus on anything else, I decided to bait him with stupid emails that then turned into essay length emails of emotional blackmail.
This was me becoming everything I swore I wouldn’t.
There was no response.
He simply didn’t think I deserved any acknowledgement.
There was only more silence.